The preacher and hell

A preacher was giving his Sunday sermon, and at the end of it he asked the congregation, "How many of you believe you will be happy in heaven? If you think you will, stand up."

Naturally the whole congregation stood.

After they all sat back down, the preacher asked another question, "And how many of you think you'd be happier in hell? If you think so, stand up."

The church was very quiet for a few seconds, and then finally one man in the far corner of the church stood. The preacher looked at him, quite surprised, and asked, "Do you really think, sir, that hell is a better place than heaven?"

"No," the man replied, "But I just didn't want you to be going alone, Father."

A Blonde and a Lawyer

A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.

Do you all have the "upper-decker" over there in the UK?

It's also known as the "backfloater". It isn't possible to inflict it on most public toilets because they're usually the type that just have pipework coming out of the wall to attach to the bowl. At least that's the case over here. For this stunt you need the kind of toilets people have in their homes or, say, in older hotels. It's the kind with the tank on the back of it with the heavy porcelain lid that you can lift off to jiggle with the valve or whatever. And by "whatever" of course, I mean "shit in it". This is a fantastic trick to play at house parties or wedding receptions or really wherever you can manage. It helps if you hate the people who own the toilet, though, or if they belong to the government, or they're your likewise degenerate drinking buddies. Step one, remove lid. Step two, shit in the tank. Step three replace lid. Step four, put on a nonchalant face and walk out. Step five, brag about it to your friends and instantly garner hero status for a month. The toilet's owners will be treated to a week of gradually lightening stinky cream-soda-tan water after each flush. Huzzah!